NSFW Spoiler Review of Hellboy (2019)

SPOILERS AHEAD!

What the fuck did I just watch?

a.k.a. My Review of the Hellboy Reboot

 

Spoilers Ahead, You know what? Not Spoilers. Consider this me saving you a trip to the movies!

Fair warning, this is going to be a shitshow of a review. I went to see Hellboy with three friends at our Local AMC Theater for just 5 dollars and that is the most I think anyone should spend on this movie until the Blu-Ray comes out. I really want to see a fucking directors’ cut of this movie, but I’ll get into that more later on. I have so many mixed feelings about this movie. It was a pretty faithful adaptation of ‘The Wild Hunt’ as well as a few other stories, but they could have done so much more with what they had. There’s something about the way the movie was either shot or rendered that made me uneasy and actually made one of my friends feel sick. Overall the movie was just unpleasant.

Luckily it was not all bad.

The Good

David Harbour pretty much nails Hellboy. He brought a lot of heart to the role. I just wish the people working on the makeup, the suit, the prosthetics, and all the special effects had done so as well as Harbour.

Milla Jovovich is ageless and beautiful. She did a great job as Nimue. Had I been Hellboy and I was propositioned by her to betray the entirety of Humanity, I think I may have taken her up on her offer.

And, I might be a little bit biased here, but I think Ian McShane was brilliant as ‘Father’.

 

The Bad

Frankly, Hellboy looks like shit. His face is messed up and the body suit David Harbour wore looks just as bad. It doesn’t look demonic at all. I also keep wondering when we’ll get a Hellboy that has hoofed feet, but I digress.

It looks like they took a mold of a regular body builder and just painted it red. You can also see the seam where the suit opens up in the scenes where Hellboy is shirtless. I’m not kidding.

And the great scenes that David Harbour and McShane had were swiftly spoiled by some stupid fucking shit like Baba Yaga.

Fuck Baba Yaga, fuck her in her eyehole.

Yes we made the joke.

 

I actually would like to see a John Wick / Hellboy Crossover. He’s the guy you send to kill the fucking boogieman, or in this case woman.

The only thing worse than her was Sasha Lane as Alice. Every scene she was in, for me at least, made me want to blowout my eardrums. Her relationship with Hellboy felt VERY forced. Like Hellboy fist fucking you with his big red hand…. but I digress…

But by far the biggest problem this movie had is that Neil Marshall was basically cucked by his 16 producers, and some of the cast members… Did this shit really need 16 producers?  No. No it most certainly did not. Neil Marshall directed Dog Soldiers, The Descent, Doomsday, and the Centurion. He’s a genius director. That is why I would really like a director’s cut of the 2019 Hellboy Reboot. Sad to report that this incarnation of Hellboy was almost completely without charm or whimsy. Once again it was probably because this is a case of too many chefs.

Also, I really miss Abe.

The Ugly

 

While the creature design was amazing; there were so many different creatures and the scenes they were in were fun. But the CG in this movie is a real mixed bag, as was the cinematography. Sometimes there was some great CG and some really beautiful shots, then there was this one scene which made us, almost in unison, go, “what the fuck did we just see?!”

And this movie was overly violent and gory, but that’s not the problem I have with it. My problem is that it was done without any purpose. They got an R rating and exploited that rating to the fullest. And boy did they succeed in that department, but it really threw the movie off balance. There was simply no purpose to all the gore and ultra-violence.

There was really an inconsistent feeling about the entire movie. The editing could have been better as well. Some of the scene transitions were jarring as hell.

 

Like I said, I still have so many mixed feelings about this Hellboy movie. While my companions and I were unable to enjoy it to the fullest, I still want it to do well. In fact, they set up a sequel very nicely, but I doubt we will ever get it, which sucks because I love Hellboy. I love the world the story is set in, and I love the characters. I’m also a huge fan of Neil Marshall and I would like to see him get another crack at the franchise. The parts that were good, were really good, the bad parts were terrible.

 

This was a great scene

 

What the fuck even is this?

In closing, yeah I wish this would have been the long awaited third installment to the Del Torro/Pearlman ‘Hellboy’ and that we would have gotten to see ‘Papa Hellboy’, but that’s not to say that this incarnation isn’t completely without potential.

Check it out on home video.

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Papa Hellboy & Hellgirl

Picture courtesy of Papabearcosplay   

Long Live The King!

John Lemus

I'm a 35 year-old Cuban who works in Hialeah, FL. I'm really into comic books and comic book culture and I have a particular fondness for independent comics. Which is why I started the Indie Comics Showcase. Follow me on Twitter @indie_comics!