Disclaimer: Bleeding Fool is NOT calling for a boycott of this film.

It should be perfectly obvious why I will not see Captain Marvel. I will not be seeing the upcoming Captain Marvel because I hate women. Obviously I’m a misogynist. In fact, my daily plans are to constantly find new and exciting ways to hold down women and prevent them from subverting the patriarchy. My imagination runs wild with every clever wile in attempts to thwart the success of women.

So, in my latest plan, I will be boycotting Captain Marvel the movie because I’m absolutely threatened by the onscreen presence of a woman with superpowers. I’m offended to the core by a female headlining a film and put in a position to save mankind.

Except…I..kinda…already like movies like that… Surely they have to be the exceptions.

Let’s look Alien and Aliens, the first two films in the Alien franchise, and the only two films in said franchise that need relevance. You have Ellen Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver. Beautiful, feminine, strong, weak, emotional, sad, confident, and brave. Why, these are all characteristics of, may I say it– a human being! Ripley succeeds as a character not because she is female, she succeeds because she is a well-rounded character who happens to be female. Yeah, both Ridley Scott and James Cameron took advantage of her female characteristics to advance the plot. In Cameron’s case, the theme of motherhood was central to Aliens.

But let us analyze that theme for a second. Early in that film, Ripley hears news that her daughter, who was already an older lady thanks to Ripley being in a cryogenic state for 50 plus years, has died. She rescues little girl Newt, who had lost her parents to the aliens on LV-426. She protects Newt like a mother protects her daughter. However, her relationship with Michael Biehn’s ‘Hicks’ isn’t too romantic, but there is clearly a deep and intimate connection there. Hicks trains Ripley how to use firearms, and Ripley actually reverences him the way a wife reverences her husband in matrimony. Ripley never talks condescendingly to Hicks, and even values his life enough to rescue him at the risk of her life. What Cameron has done is given Ripley a nuclear family in her post ALIEN years: Hicks is her husband, Newt their child, and Bishop their pet (because he’s the robotic guard dog as seen in the film’s denouement when he saves Newt from being sucked out into the vacuum of space.) This is why many Aliens fans hated Alien 3, because it undid this brilliant model wonderfully established in Aliens.

Same thing with Sarah Connor (played by Linda Hamilton) in Terminator. She grows as a character and by Terminator 2 she’s a strong fighter. But why did she become that way? Make no bones about it, it is due to her learning from Kyle Reese (played coincidentally by Michael Biehn). Like Ripley, Connor does not denigrate or insult her man. She looks to him, and long after his death she still yearns for him. She misses his protection, his presence. This is the definition of a true strong female character.

But I’m diverting from the topic. Remember, I must hate women in films. Ripley and Sarah were simply an unfortunate exceptions.

No, I hate Captain Marvel. I’m clearly opposed to the idea of a female superhero being all strong and having the ability to save mankind. My enjoyment of that silly Wonder Woman film from 2 years ago should be ignored.

Yes, I loved how that film channeled Christopher Reeve’s Superman from 1978 about a foreign being with super powers who commits to saving mankind. I enjoyed how Diana’s emotions tied to her desire to help man, not condemn them, to save and assimilate with them, not reign above them. Her relationship with Steve Trevor was pivotal because as a character it opened her to eyes to the wickedness of men, which puts her in a position of vulnerability and only heightens her desire to save them even more.

Trevor’s sacrifice was the catalyst to inspire Diana to believe in her goal and resume her mission to be the hero her generation needed. Surprisingly female director Patty Jenkins allowed Diana’s relationship with a man to be significant in the plot, and she did so without denigrating men or males, nor did she make Trevor out to be some soy-boy man-child who constantly seek Wonder Woman’s approval.

And let’s talk about Gal Gadot. She never once used her platform as a means to insult a race or ethnicity of potential audiences. She was always smiling, having fun, and appreciating the role she was given. Believe it or not that resonates with an audience. Moviegoers can see right through an actress who embraces the role versus someone who is collecting a paycheck and preaching agenda over her subjects.

But I’m no, oh wait, I forgot… I hate women.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, I am afraid of the wahmen. Carol Danvers is obviously femininity personified. Her breasts, shapely curves…

…except, she isn’t that shapely.  Oh wait, am I misogynistic for bringing up her physical attributes (or lack thereof?) Well if that’s true then what do you say about the critics who attacked the “sexualization” of the female cyborg Alita in that recent film?

Those same critics who would have me look past Captain Marvel’s body seem very obsessed with how feminine Alita looks. It does make me wonder if the left indeed is afraid of true femininity, if they fear true beauty. Again, look at Gal Gadot and Wonder Woman. She shows some skin, acts feminine- dare I say, she’s ‘beautiful’ even?

Let us look at another comparison: Filmation She-Ra versus Netflix She-ra.

The differences are astounding but predictable. Filmation’s She-Ra is curvy, feminine, and attractive. Netflix’s She-Ra, on the other hand, has no physical female features (flat chest and derriere) no lipstick or any makeup. Some commentors have said she looks like a boy (and one meme in particular jokes about her being Ben 10 in drag.)

Filmation’s She-Ra had a team of both male and females who helped her with her cause against the Horde. Netflix’s She-Ra is literally infested with the “Princesses of Power,” making it clear this is all about girl power.

So I ask you, who is afraid of true feminine beauty? Why do they insist on keeping Rose Tico in a potato sack? Why are they afraid to beautify Rey? And finally, why do they seem to be afraid of a woman who treats the man as a partner and not simply as competition?

So wait— why am I boycotting Captain Marvel?

Here’s why.

Go back and re-read the praises I’ve given above to Ellen Ripley, Sarah Connor, Filmation’s She-Ra, Gal Gadot, and Wonder Woman.

Now ask yourself, does anything I said about those women apply to Captain Marvel or to actress Brie Larson?

Go ahead, look again. Now answer the question honestly.

That’s why I’m not going to see Captain Marvel.

You’re welcome.