Man-Eaters Throws It Up! Chelsea Cain Strikes Again!


***Editors suggestion***
Here’s your soundtrack for this article


It is always strange to me how some over thought and sometimes some overambitious ideas sometimes end up on the side of the bizarre, embarrassing or ridiculous. I do it all the time, I’m not immune to my own stupidity. I mean I’ll always try to love it and laugh while I cry…but you have to wonder sometimes right ?

This time out of the gate, although I always felt it was a short track no matter the case…

We had – CHELSEA CAIN – Fabulously woke writer, champion of LGBTQ, Trans, Animals and many, many, many, many and many other rights ok? Did she leave or force anyone out ?

She’s a business-savvy, self – made wahmen. She is a tactful and considerate, platform crosser-overbore-ing, sunshine seeking – butterfly.

She is a friend to all creatures or unicorns great or small; be they well indoctrinated or hopefully, almost…or at least trying for…but not yet nearly-so…

She’s done tons of work previously and is probably somewhere, very well known for a popular best seller titled : ‘Kill You Twice’

This sounds a complicated story. I’m getting there – sit the fuck down. 

Lots of emotions with this one…

But you see we have someone here in Chelsea who has the fee fees out in the open and is proud to live with her heart on her sleeve.

A lot of social issues are important and affect many people. Mostly, those people are struggling to find the most important issues to try and tackle first. It is sometimes very hard for society to decide, what to make a priority of and what to save later.

***editors notes- Sometimes though, seriously ???

Society just wants to be left alone by the goddamn crazies so we can just make some fucking comic books…please ?***

It’s hard business making these huge decisions. It’s scary too. But Chelsea is a thinker.

She likes to talk too. She likes to talk about things that she thinks are important to society.

Chelsea seems to believe that we should all be understanding that there is a very serious problem and it requires all of our attention. Chelsea appears determined to force us all to misunderstand more about these troubling times and  in order to do that and to accomplish her mission she feels above all else – she needs – IMAGE COMICS ?

Strange I know. We’ll get there…hold fast.

So she prayed mercilessly and endlessly until finally, the Great and Noble Gods Of Comics were able to look down upon this neophyte, this fledgling-pretender…

She appealed to their noblest selves, their highest forms…but alas inspiration was destined to come from the lower, yes the much lower places of Chelseas’ gloriously gifted mind…

From those much lower places of her mind she carries us further into the much lower places in her mind while we dallied through, reaching further into the much lower places in her mind and found our troubled starting spot right there where we began – in the lower, the lowest, the oh-so-lowliest places – of her mind.

Much, much too low to look here – I’m afraid…      

After our glorious fathers, the Great and Noble Gods Of Comics had pondered dark and dreary…they were furious… and so, looked down upon her;  sore…and weary.

Chelsea does not give up. She would not give it up. It was hers !

She did it ! She convinced IMAGE COMICS !

Now, they too have gone down the hole; deep, deep down into the deep, further into the deep plunging lower and lower down into the deep, lower places –  of Chelseas’ mind.

They look there…looking…searching, probing to find solutions…How to unlock the puzzles of Chelsea’s dreams ? Through her taint-ed’ offering, they’ve now scoured and scraped the bottom searching for clues as to how they can make it right again for comics and also for Chelsea Cains’ dream.

How can they help her, help them – make the best book that they can make ?

Have they helped themselves to make the best choices ?

Can we please think about IMAGE COMICS here for just one second ?

Has she helped them ? I mean really…has she ? Hey…stop now guys – I mean really – has she ?

It’s brilliant really. What could go wrong right ?

It is a spectacle indeed my good literary comrades, but one that is indeed worth examining very closely.

If you can bear it of course, you will find that there are to be found within  prolific, phantom moments of comic relief in response to a chaotically assembled litany of discombobulated dynamic tensions.

Chelsea approaches her industry and her art, so cleaverly and so delicately, so very very subtly; that the brush strokes upon her chosen canvas are sometimes scarcely perceptible. Well…mostly I guess…(Most of the time it’s like a bat in the face honestly.)

At other times they appear airy and wispy on the page…as much and inasmuch as they frequently seem appear in her ‘apparent‘ reality. What luck !!! What glorious food for readers thoughts !!!

A positively fatal, far from near-miss extravaganza and beautifully dreadful – I assure you all.

It is an ABSOLUTE must read !!! 

In a doctrinaire and mischievous approach, she weaves with her playful tale, with it’s obscure origins in very secret and mysterious times…well…places too…

It’s mostly about mysterious places…well…suposebly mysterious…these places

*** editors notes – It’s also about a teenage girl using her papas’ moustache scissors to cut her fuckin pubes and then telling him all about it at the breakfast table…but whatevs…this is art right ? ***

My mother always said that it was best that some things should stay mysterious….

I think she was talking about Chelseas’ mysterious ‘places‘…but that makes me uncomfortable…

lets’ move on …shall we ?

And so it was, in a time of darkness and confusion but… mostly those mysterious (MOIST), dark and suposebly – private ‘places‘.

And THEN –

With a Spark !!! An innovation!!! She dictated a barren-like idea up, up into the light…

A new vitality brought to old desolations…A flower blooming in the deserts of her mind…

To confront the terror of this wrenching and socially threatening issue she was confronted with, Chelsea mustered up her flagellating courage and pounded away on that keyboard to the rhythm of the the copyz and the pastyz.

She chopped at the magazines and newsletters. She snipped and snapped at all the horror she saw around her. Then…she acquired a real comic book artist.

This artist   – the truly Great – Kate Niemczyk – plied her wares gloriously enough… through the collage and paste of Chelseas’ monumentally oblique and tortuous stamp on our comic world.

Kate however with her divine pencil-work, poked out past the clutter somehow…through Chelseas amazing shadowings, bruisings, musings and cover ups. With these powerful sweeps of her professional hand, poor Kate tried vainly to out-compete Chelseas’ dramatic, irritatingly and intentionally upsetting flairs to the themes of the book of course. She did not succeed sadly.

But of course, this made the wonderful work that Kate is so very well suited to – totally infuriating if I was Kate – and through these kinds of struggles together the artists have combined their varied talents and interests to make the work to proceed more quickly

***so we can hurry up and get the fuck outta here!!!

In between the terrors and the night-sweats, the seizures, compulsions and delusions; the doubts, the reveries, the visions and the heartaches – Chelsea Cain has brazenly braved the dumpster fires.

She has outwitted the determinedly dodged and vile trolls who she thinks seek to destroy her.

This flies completely in the face of and in spite of her very well marked public trails, paths indeed  the – Super Highways – of  her self-destructive and evident self-defacing tendencies.

She’s managed to cynically sidestep into her critical novel crowd; who justifiably believe somehow now that she has obviously completely abandoned them, like a self-serving, sell-out attention whore and self-styled conqueror of the comic world – that she truly is.

FUCK THEM I SAY CHELSEA – FUCK THEM!!! Fuck those neo-authoritarian, Euro-Trash, ‘Robbi-Robbi Bung-holioes’© right in the ear!!! 

She’s crossed the leak, spanned the gash, cleared the forest away and left great mounds of slash in the wake of her enormous and glaring literary disabilities…sorry I meant abilities. Damn it.

She has truly,truly ; made a grate sound spectacle of comic books.

She has touched and shaped the industry, in just the way she always said she would – just to prove all those cock-man oppressors and critics wrong. 

She told them she would make her mark and did she ever show them  ? 

You’re fuckin’ right she did !!! LOOK !!! 

She brought forth some kind of new form of life from the crucible of comic creation…

***editors notes – (sorry)…It was that comic crucible with the large crack in the bowl that some of you saw…that one we keep over there in the corner for the emergencies of comic creation. Welcome on-board. Put yer feckin seatbealts on.***

She has – somehow -done this; and it truly is, an unbelievable comic crucible thaumaturgy.

The strong would say she forged new concepts…innovated the medium…

What hasn’t this new comic mutant genius done here ? And of course it must also be asked:

What have you done Chelsea ?

What HAVE YOU DONE ?!?!?

From what I could see peering from the distance watching her graceful launch approach, I felt as if I was waiting for a train, a glorious, glorious train that would transport me trauma free into the wondrous future of leet comic book crafting…and when it arrived was… wait…what?

It was already on fire ?!?! Wait…

Did I miss a prequel or something ? 

She brought forth..well…she brought forth…what to say here I wonder ?

I THINK…it’s supposed to be a horror book ?

I mean, if you’re a raving lunatic, who likes to make jokes about chopping off penises ? and if you fantasize about scouring the earth, engaged in a blood-ritual sacrifice – ridding humanity of all of the men-folk ?

Well…I suppose then we should really..I mean it’s probably…it will mostly certainly read more like a comedy…I mean…I think ? Isn’t it ?

I’m not really sure how to take any of this actually now that I think about it ?

You see Chelsea is such a profound writer that she can propagandize to so many varied and unrelated demographics whether they like her work or not. She knows she can forge ahead and she need not concern herself at all with whether or not her visions and pill chosen epics push readers away from legendary and iconic publishing houses or not.

What does business have to do with this message ?

Of course you always know you’re onto something – when you ask it the other way…

What does this message have to do with business ? And you see ? We get two ‘Nothings‘…

And…nothing comes from nothing…

Isn’t that supposed to be a positive or something ? Maybe that’s only in math ?

She even draws inspirations from experiences outside of comics that should probably, or most certainly, and must never have anything to do with comic books ever again.

She simply touches too many lives.

She reaches too many hearts.

That is Chelseas’ true gift.

Her gifts are so omnipotent and overaching – I am thankfully blinded and stunned by the brilliance.

She is truly – Every Woman. Simply dazzling…sparkling…like those little Bee-Dazzler pips…

You know the ones… the ones that cost me 800$ dollars for a new fuckin washer ?

Yeah…’sparkling’…like those ones… Grrr. 

Another of Chelseas’ remarkable gifts, is her superunnatural and fairy-like ability; which she uses frequently and rigidly, between the shoe-bottom, leathery folds of her prose.

She detransforms escapist entertainments into – what she claims – are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ‘satirical‘ – ideologically driven, tribalistic neo-liberal, ritual hate-mongerings.

She does not use twisted, vengeful social perceptions and biases along with unspoken, naked suggestions of targeted violence and hatred as metaphors, misplaced allegories and disheveled plot devices…right before our very eyes.

And you all better well eat that shit right up and you damn well better pay her for it too, you deplorable and uncultured, neanderthalic boomer relics !!! Eduemasculate yourselves !!!

This is ART people !?!?!

She deceptively uses the post-modernists technique of doing the opposite, of doing the opposite, of the opposite, of doing the opposite, of doing the opposite of what she should NOT do...and places it before herself, as one would a mask – like skill.

This is a chameleon I tell you !

She delivers unto us a Recondite and Cabalistic Delight !!!

She has masterfully co-mixed satire and sarcasm without any regard to context or applicability. 

She has built up an allusion that the author is in control, which of course makes things all the more dramatically ironic considering what’s probably going on at IMAGE COMICS right now I -IMAGE-eene…and then; using her powerful inflection hammer, she illustrates her counterintuitive and woesome philosophical approaches to comic writing and comic book expression – dashing and plunging forward pseudoastutely –  lashing out with her predetermined yet somehow limber and noodly conceptualizations. The book is loose and slippery you see.

It is a very hard thing to try to keep not wanting to hold in your hand…is what I am saying…

DO NOT BE CONFUSED. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND?   

YOU ARE A NAZI

This is storytelling…wake up…

She’s using ‘satire’ and a bit of cynicism in there to make  artistic points. You see ?  

Or how bout this

painfully awkward, future – ‘look-back’ craft ? It’s been seen docked recently over at the refit yard of the Imperial Meme Fleet. ↓

Nothing  in these books has anything whatsoever to do with  this…

Celebrating …Oh  I don’t know…

maybe something  like  this ???

↓↓↓↓↓

Chelsea assures us here @BleedingFool that she certainly would never, ever, ever, ever – be seen or thought of, to have encouraged or exploited any waves of anti-male sentiment during a socio-political time when gender, sex and violence is at a boiling point ?

Wouldn’t it be incredibly irresponsible of her to celebrate or encourage something as horrible as sex and or gender based violence…she and we ask ?

 

Chelsea is so overflowing with ideas that she must share with the world, that she has even used content that she specifically used to plug a message. This was a kind of a fuck-off message to some irritating extremists, some psychopathic zealots and a few of the dangerous and unpredictable ‘swing‘ type fans.

It was certainly used – but never not on purpose by Chelsea  – even though it did not belong to her !!!

Isn’t that amazing ???

She had the good grace and ruthless humility to use her own readers comments, without their permission – INSIDE HER ACTUAL COMIC BOOK !!!

Talk about Ignominious Innovations am I right ?

Weaponizing a medium against it’s own fan-base ?

Fucking Brilliant !!!

No one has ever thought of that !!!

IMAGE COMICS of course had the good sense and editorial oversight to allow it to be published.

YATZEE !!!

Well done Chelsea & IMAGE !!!

Cheers !!!

Check out comments she illiberally used,

without any permission whatsoever from one of her loyal fans!!!

I wonder if Twitter pays advertising space by the square inch ?

You can bet that little blue birdie there is worth about 1 or 25 million dollars a pixel right ?

She was trying to provide a subtle, more cerebral type of experience for her readers.

She does favor nuance and clever turns of syntax and vocabulary. This can’t be taken as in your face at all ? How dare anyone throw themselves groveling and pleading at the the feet of that sort of conclusion ?

Do any of you know, the kind of unscrupulous initiative you need to have in order to be this keen, this sharp, this cutting it a little too close to the edge ? 

She can bring an audience to a level of excitement, slowing down plot lines to titillate and careless readers with confusion and desperation until they beg for some merciful climax.

Readers will never, ever find that kind of expression, range or depth in any other book in a way that only Chelsea Cain is able to provide. We are so grateful for that out here. Really.

She finds ham-fisted humour and blunt punchlines to be a bit gauche and provincial and so she had tried to pulled out all the stops for your reading pleasure and therefore provides; majestically fluid, sluicey, flowing, chocolaty lumps of literary bliss for us instead. MMMMMMM.

Her techniques are unrivaled, the passion and devotion of her fans is unequa….wait….

“What? I can’t hear you ?JFC…”

“Yes. No I wasn’t…Did I hear the news? What news FFS…? “

“No, no..alright…No, I did not sir…”

“She what ? She didn’t ? Oh they did ?”

“Well I bet they’re pissed already…”

” No fuckin waaaay !!!”

“I know right!!! I did too !!!HeHEEEEE!!!!”

“They were saying Friday….yeh they were saying…”

“What ? Oh they did not ? She posted it ? No way ? “

“Alright then send it to me…”

“…Duder ?…jesus…lolz…”

“Man…are you gonna sen…k here it comes…got it.”

HAHAHAHAH!!!! “

They did ? OMFG !?!?!?!

“The shit winds are blowing you see?”

“I told you…you watch…EATING THEMSELVES…YES!!! “

“Seriously ?!!?! HAHAHAHAH!!!!! “

“I am…I was in the middle of one right now…”

” yes…ManEaters…yes..I was…”

“No, I’m not shitting you…at the keyboard man…”

“Yeah, just like the fucking Matrix…I know…seriously?…LOLZ”

” What should happen at Image ? What do I think ? LOLZ “

” They should huh ? Really ? Short runs eh ? LOLZ “

Fuck off and let me finish ya bastard…LOLZ”

“I’ll call you when I’m done..LOLZ “

 

My apologies to my readers, but I seemed to have reached an impasse with my ability to continue with this particular review.

My ribs are broken, I cant breathe and a ManEaters floppy seems to be stuck in my shredder and has started a small fire under my…oh…wait…oh yes… there it is …

It seems that we’re getting a little Twist of Cain here…(see the above ‘Evilus-Eyeous’ *cringe*)

In the meantime, I offer my ***I’m at a bit of a loss for words strangely*** to Ms. Cain, for her losses and choices and can only express my sincere gratitude for the regrettably-hopefully;eminent cancellation of her project.

I SINCERELY offer her wickedly talented penciler  – Kate Niemczyk –  a very very well earned plug along with my well earned sympathies.

Kate you have my deepest respect for your levels of patience and self control.

You are my Goddess and I’ll make sure that everyone knows it !!! (omg get the fuck out of there)

And to the rest who may be watching –

Hey guys over here !!!

Come check out these rags someone left out behind the dumpster ?

 

 


P.S. I link to a photograph that was used in the creation of this piece under the “Fair Use Act” was found to contain a link that contained over 17 THOUSAND characters. I will not post such a link that was crafted and meant only to sabotage. If you would like the link however, I will happily provide it to you for a small administration fee. Email or Tweet @me.

***A long awaited review for you Agent J.?

DONE. LOLZ ENJOY !!!***


Mike Rogers

Cryo-ed GenXer. Collector of Edwardian era books and histories. Copper and Dark Age comic collector. Confused and irritated resident of the 21st Century madhouse. Resident observer and collaborator on Indie-Sphere happenings. Need some help on a project or perhaps some exposure here ? DM @60Recce