How These Conspiracy Films Would’ve Ended if the Biden Administration Controlled Them


Have you ever wondered if the resolutions in some of the best conspiracy movies could actually happen in the real world? Hollywood offerings are chock full of the good guy-always-wins-in-the-end themes, but if current events have taught us anything it’s that if the party in power is Democrat, you can bet your bottom dollar that the good guy would not be the victor.

 

Take the only non-fiction entry on this list, All the President’s Men. Does anyone believe Woodward and Bernstein would have gone after Joe Biden or Barack Obama with the zeal that they did with Nixon? Or gone after them at all? If the president were one of the former, here’s what really would have occurred: The Washington Post duo would have outed their source, the so-called “Deep Throat” (many years later revealed to be Mark Felt), as a traitor and seditionist. In the film’s final moments, we see the WaPo’s teletype clicking away: …… MARK FELT REVEALED AS SOURCE OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION LEAKS …… LEAKS SHOWN TO ENDANGER NATIONAL SECURITY ON SEVERAL LEVELS …… FELT TAKEN INTO CUSTODY BY THE F.B.I. AND HELD IN SOLITARY …… PRESIDENT NIXON AND DEPT. OF JUSTICE TO MAKE STATEMENTS SOON ……

 

 

All the President's Men · SFMOMA
“No, write that Deep Throat is ‘ultra-MAGA.'”

 

In 1978’s Capricorn One, a trio of American astronauts are about to head off on the first manned mission to Mars. Shortly before lift-off, however, some suit opens the door to the space capsule and demands the astronauts follow him. The empty rocket lifts off, while the astronauts are jetted off to a remote location where they’re eventually informed that, due to budget cuts, their voyage would have failed … and they’d have died. But they’re also told the mission has to succeed — meaning they have to participate in a ruse that they actually landed on the Red Planet.

 

And that’s exactly what the astronauts (James Brolin, Sam Waterston and OJ Simpson) do. Except that afterward they realize the government can’t allow them to live out of fear they’ll reveal what really happened. They break out of where they’re being held and hijack a small jet — which quickly runs out of fuel. Brolin ditches the plane in a desert whereupon the trio split up to (hopefully) make it to safety. Brolin is the only one to survive the trek, but government operatives promptly happen upon him. An intrepid reporter (Elliot Gould), who had figured out Brolin’s cryptic Mars “landing” broadcast messages during the ruse, helps rescue him. 

 

Capricorn One Posters and Photos 266863 | Movie Store
The Mars lander was a white Ford Bronco.

 

The film ends at the funeral ceremony for the astronauts … with Brolin and Gould running up (in slow motion) in approach for the “big reveal.”

 

But if Biden was in charge: If everything played out in the film as is, including the “big reveal,” then the administration, FBI and CIA would jump into action: Brolin, in an act of “cowardice,” bailed on his comrades as the capsule was disintegrating upon re-entry and miraculously survived. His (and Gould’s) story of how the whole mission was fabricated is itself treated as a “Big Lie” to cover up Brolin’s cowardly actions. Brolin is committed to permanent psychiatric care while Gould — now denounced as a “right-wing propagandist” and “disseminator of disinformation” — dies in a “traffic accident.”

 

Blue Thunder from 1983 has similar themes. The LA Police Department gets to check out a super-sophisticated helicopter but pilot Roy Schieder and his RIO stumble upon a plot to utilize the vehicle to suppress domestic civil unrest and kill political opponents. Scheider decides to hijack the copter and directs his girlfriend to get a tape to the media that he and his RIO recorded of the conspirators. Scheider follows his GF in the chopper to the local TV station so as to protect her, and the conspiracy is revealed.

 

Blue Thunder – tape 147 | VHiStory
“We’re gonna need a bigger chopper.”

 

But if Biden was in charge: The local TV station is notified that Scheider, a “white supremacist terrorist,” has stolen Blue Thunder and has threatened to destroy various government installations. (In the film Scheider blows away an F-16 which had been dispatched to shoot him down while another razes a chicken stand near which Scheider was hovering.) The station also is informed that Scheider’s girlfriend is carrying an explosive device with which she may attempt to detonate at a local media outlet. The GF eventually is apprehended in the TV station parking lot and Scheider is too when he is forced to land as Blue Thunder runs out of fuel. Liz Cheney is tapped to lead televised hearings on Scheider’s “treasonous” actions.

 

In 2002’s Minority Report, Tom Cruise is framed by his boss Max Von Sydow when he gets too close to a “pre-cog” case he had physically manipulated. Y’see, if Cruise manages to find out the truth, then “pre-crime” — in which a trio of clairvoyants can predict when someone will be murdered — won’t expand nationally from just the District of Columbia where it’s been field tested. Fortunately for Cruise, his wife also bumbles upon the truth, and manages to free him from his suspended animation captivity … whereupon he finally brings the hammer down upon Von Sydow.

 

Minority Report' Tried to Warn Us About Technology - The Atlantic
“Wait, I think I found it — Biden’s brain!”

 

But if Biden was in charge: The administration realizes that (manipulated) pre-crime is the answer to its dreams! Doctoring evidence of something that never happened … to make it look like it did? Just imagine how many “domestic terrorists” Brandon (aka Joe Biden) and the FBI could find!! Cruise’s wife would have been immediately dispatched (just as federal agent Colin Farrell was) and the whole conspiracy would never have been revealed. And hell, even if it was does anyone believe the mainstream media would have covered it? They’d have protected it.

 

And lastly there’s the Marvel Cinematic Universe entry, 2014’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Cap discovers that SHIELD is chock full of HYDRA, the baddies he fought way back in World War II. As a result of its infiltration, HYDRA/SHIELD has a plan to eliminate each and every one of its enemies across the globe. Natch, Cap, Falcon, Black Widow and Nick Fury manage to put the kibosh on the whole thing in between kicking HYDRA and Winter Soldier ass.

 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - IMDb
Is that Biden — riding his bike??

 

But if Biden was in charge … HYDRA would have promised it (meaning the modern Democratic Party) perpetual power for the foreseeable future in exchange for its cooperation. Or, at least looking the other way. As a result, Cap, et. al. are deemed seditionists for daring to take on SHIELD, while the major tech companies and mainstream media prevent Black Widow from disseminating the secret HYDRA plot. Where the plot does manage to get leaked, it is quickly blasted as a far-right white nationalist misinformation plot and precursor to a civil insurrection.

 

More on the politics of Captain America: Winter Solider here.

 


Dave Huber

A ComicsGater long before the term ever existed, Dave is a retired teacher who now concentrates his efforts on exposing the insanity of college political correctness.

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