Here’s All We Know About the “Reylo” Situation in Star Wars Episode IX


Good afternoon everyone, we’ve got some “Reylo” news developing this week.



Here’s what we know:


1. The first Episode IX trailer posters have backgrounds that were made up of toys. Did you hear that? I said “toys“. Cue the Rey-Los.



2. Sarlacc Pit monsters can live in the sea too and find oyster shell good for the teeth and bones. Combine this knowledge with the pics of Rey and Emo we saw last week – battling to save his dignity in a stormy, spraying, supple and silky sea…You got it folks – Emo-Driver will therefore be very moist and so, we can assume that the Rey-Los will wet their pants.



(Hopefully Disney stuck this crap in at the end, since it’s technically an edu-emasculation ‘money-shot’. We don’t want to shoot the bolt too early now do we? Either way , the Reylos wet their pants.)





3. We’ve seen pictures leaked from the set a couple of months ago that show unicorn-like horses on a hill among some tall grass. In the pics we’ve seen, the unicorn-horses are surrounded by various [also appearing in this film] extras, and one ashamed and sad looking Wookie. The horses look like hybrids and the Wookie seems embarrassed, so we have to assume the unicorns-horses must be copulating. The Weebs, Furries AND the Reylos will wet their pants.



4. We know that Oscar makes Johnny uncomfortable and so we can expect custodial technician trooper ‘falls in love’ nuggets – sprinkled throughout the film. Saving grace? Johnnys’ commentary from 2015 about telling his friends all about – ‘how he got a gig in Star Wars – will be aged well enough for us to free up some dry-dock space at the meme yards. The ReyLos will shit their pants.



5. We know that double ended objects will feature heavily in Star Wars lore and legends going forward. It’s no longer poles and holes, it’s friendly fire action only. The ReyLos will cream their pants.



6. Even the “C” Episode 9 trailer is rated 12-A in Australia. Thanks to our friend SC Reviews, who made things clear in a reading of materials he found, announcing the fact –

“…We have a different ratings system over here…By the BBFCs’ own standards, every single trailer previously released for the Rise of Skywalker, along with every trailer for The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi was rated – PG…This upcoming trailer “C” however is rated 12-A….Jesus Christ…Oh no…They’re bringing out the 12-A…it’s like the uh…the 12-A is like the 12 gauge right? 12 Gauge shotgun of trailers…You better hold on to your asses right? It’s going to get nasty…LOL…Sawed off shotgun action blasting right in your face…When I talk about ‘blasting in the face’, I think the Rey-Los are getting a bit excited…Calm down…your dirty minds…You are disgusting…”

So there we have it folks, Episode 9 isn’t made for Star Wars fans, it’s made for the kinksters and fringers.

Make sure you bring your kids along since this is only a kids tale about space wizards and laser swords. Grow up!!!



Good thing Hollyweird is working so hard trying to debunk the “Hollywood is full of sexual weirdos and predators” theory…



Long live the Fandom Menace!

Mike Rogers

Cryo-ed GenXer. Collector of Edwardian era books and histories. Copper and Dark Age comic collector. Confused and irritated resident of the 21st Century madhouse. Resident observer and collaborator on Indie-Sphere happenings. Need some help on a project or perhaps some exposure here ? DM @60Recce